My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
