I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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