My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
