I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Sorry about my life...
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