dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
