just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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