those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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