i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
