tell your sister to shave her snatch
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
