Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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