I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
