I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
