Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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