I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
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Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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