You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
