Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
