remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
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So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
not ubering you a puppy
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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