either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
