were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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