if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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