i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
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I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
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Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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