Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
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Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
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Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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