I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
