My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
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Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
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Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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