K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
