Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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