he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Found the puke drawer
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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