I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
