grandma shit on top of the toilet
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
