in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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