I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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