my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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