So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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