btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
