i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
organizing the empties. That sober.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
