I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
