I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
