this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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