my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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