the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
