I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
