i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
