i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
