help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
