I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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