There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
