Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
