i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
