Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
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I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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