Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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