I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
