im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i love accidental penises.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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