Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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